Breaking: Pulitzer Prize-Winning Columnist Attempts to Navigate the Perils of Legal Edibles, Enters Hallucination Olympics
In what can only be described as the epic misadventure of a lifetime, Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Maureen Dowd decided to serve as humanity’s guinea pig in the wild, wild west of legalized marijuana consumption. Spoiler alert: she didn’t just get high—she got really high, like "send help, I’m a potato" high.
Back in 2014, Maureen valiantly strapped on her helmet and ventured into the uncharted waters of a Colorado dispensary. Armed with nothing but a credit card and an unremarkable amount of good sense, she purchased a marijuana candy bar—a mysterious treat that likely contains enough THC to launch a rocket into orbit. Maureen’s mission? To document the joys of legal highs. What followed was a journey that could only have been narrated by a very confused cartoon character.
“I couldn’t move,” she boldly declares, recounting her epic journey from chair to bed, which apparently took as long as a parenthesis to be understood. “I curled up in a hallucinatory state for the next eight hours.” Clearly, the candy bar’s labeling may as well have read "Warning: This is not a fun-size adventure."
In her recent tête-à-tête with Business Insider, Maureen showcased her expert-level self-deprecation skills, stating she knew that the internet would devour her misfortunes like a starving Sumo wrestler at an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet. And yet, despite being the protagonist of this cringe-worthy saga, she remains unfazed. “I don’t mind making a fool of myself if I think it’ll amuse the reader,” she quipped, channeling the spirit of every parent who has ever awkwardly tried to seem “cool” to their kids.
Let’s not forget her profound insight into the edible cannabis market: "They need better labeling!" A visionary revelation, one could say! Because who wouldn’t want a highly artistic infographic that conveys just how many dimensions of high you can expect from munching on what looks suspiciously like a Snickers bar?
In a plot twist that surely leaves us all shaking our heads, Maureen is still open to more culinary escapades. This time, she’s eyeing folk legend Willie Nelson—believing he could be her spiritual Sherpa through the high-altitude peaks of marijuana enlightenment. “Maybe Gary Johnson,” she jokes about the Libs’ favorite former governor and CEO of a weed company. “He can teach me, and I’ll teach him what Aleppo is. We can trade.” Ah yes, nothing like combining your substance abuse education with geopolitical geography lessons to truly elevate the experience.
As of now, Gary Johnson’s camp has left us hanging, presumably in a cloud of irony or perhaps just contemplating which snack to pair with their activism.
So, here’s to you, Maureen Dowd! The world needs more fearless pioneers like you: adventurers who put themselves on the line for a good story, and whose trips down the rabbit hole of edible psychosis remind us all that no candy bar is actually small enough to be celebrated as “fun-sized.” You’ve certainly outdone yourself this time, and the world can’t wait for round two! 🍫✨
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , www.businessinsider.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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