Breaking News: California Establishes Official "Shag School" and Launches Stoner Sex Education Classes!
In a groundbreaking move sure to shake the foundations of moral decay in California (or at least shake a couple of couches), the Fresh Toast has appointed Rachel Krantz, the so-called “Canna Queen of Caliente Carnality,” as their sex columnist. Yes, you read that right! Forget traditional therapy; we’re talking sex advice from a writer who probably thinks “homework” is just another name for getting baked while binge-watching terrible reality shows.
The Questions Everyone Is Asking… Literally:
This week, a brave Californian stepped forward with a burning question: "Now that recreational marijuana is legal — how do I really rock the bedroom while I’m high?" Spoiler alert: This isn’t about actually finding your partner’s G-spot—it’s more like looking for lost socks in the Bermuda Triangle.
Here Comes the Apparently Earth-Shattering Advice:
1. Get Romantic with Ganja!
You see, setting the mood is crucial. Light some candles, toss on some Chillwave, and clean that pile of laundry that’s been growing taller than your ex’s excuses. When the sky-high levels of THC combine with lower-than-usual levels of reality, you might just realize that your partner’s idea of romance is a Netflix documentary about the history of potato chips.
2. Dance it Out!
Forget dancing like nobody’s watching; dance like everyone is! Awkward lap dances are now the thing. You might think you’re channeling Beyoncé, but let’s be real—you look more like a malfunctioning robot that just discovered the "cabbage" move. But it’s all good, because, hey, you’re both too baked to care.
3. Stretch That Baseball Game to Infinity!
Why rush to second base when you can draw it out longer than a movie sequel nobody asked for? Make out like it’s 1999, dry-hump like rabbits in a pet store, and take your time! If there’s one thing to learn from stoner logic, it’s that an eternity can feel like just 30 minutes.
4. Munchies Meet… Well, You Know.
Ever hear the phrase “when in doubt, go for the snacks”? Well, it doesn’t get more literal than this. If your girlfriend is really into it, employ the 69 position and turn love-making into a buffet! Remember to comment on the “flavors”—because nothing says romance like discussing your partner’s after gym deodorant scent during intimacy.
5. The Tease of Champions!
Ah, teasing. Go feather-light, gentlemen! If you’re lucky, you might just send her mind racing while her body questions why the universe isn’t exploding.
6. Mirrors Are Magic!
Next, unleash your inner Picasso with a mirror! Not only will you see yourselves getting intricate (perhaps through a blurry stoner lens), but you’ll also boost that thing called body positivity. What’s sexier than the sight of your uncoordinated self trying to seduce your partner? Probably not much.
7. Play Anything But.
Set the rules: No genitals—let’s see who breaks first! The suspense will be killer… unless you both can’t stop giggling about the last time you mispronounced “eggplant” during dinner.
8. Mutual… What was I saying?
Sometimes, you’re just too high for full-on commitment and energy. Sounds like it’s a mutual masturbation moment! Enjoy the lazy, blissful ride of watching each other do what you could’ve just done together in the first place—because why not be confusing?
9. The Silent Treatment!
Dare to speak without actually talking? Enter the silent session. Feel all the intimacy without the noise. Or just become two goldfish trying to communicate across a tank. Either way, you’re sure to make memories.
10. The “Loud and Proud” Method!
For those who find silence more terror-inducing than their last D-class movie date, have at it! Go raw—because why hold back now? It’s all about authenticity—or noise complaints from the neighbors.
11. The “1 or 2” Game!
Picture this: You’re taking your partner on a thrilling rollercoaster ride of preferences. It’s like an eye test but with a whole lot more oohs and ahs.
12. Lube & Chapstick, Oh My!
Nothing says sexy like a well-hydrated couple. Remember folks, nobody wants to feel like they’re sliding on sandpaper. A little ChapStick never hurt anyone.
13. Follow Your Wild Side!
Bring forth that inner adventurer! Or maybe just find a new use for your kitchen counter that doesn’t involve microwaving late-night leftovers.
14. Power Dynamics: Flip It, Baby!
Explore the joys of role reversal (and take turns feeling socially awkward). You might not come out on top—just like that time you tried to explain your deepest fears!
15. Perfectly Okay to Pause!
Remember, high sex can be an emotional rollercoaster! If you need a break, perfect! Cuddle, snack, and recharge before riding that wave again.
And there you have it, folks! The ultimate stoner sex tips guarantee you’ll either experience the best night of your relationship or have a bizarre story to tell your friends come Monday (because let’s be real, there’s no way you’ll be talking about it sober!).
Now, unwrap those vibes and remember: “Have fun!”—in every sense of the word.
🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨
Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , thefreshtoast.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).
We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥
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