From Surviving to Thriving: How to NOT Adult Like a Pro!

Title: From Life-Altering Events to Life-Enhancing “Surprises”: A Journey through the Mind (and the Mess of Life!)

Everyone knows life is a grand adventure filled with unexpected twists that can knock you on your metaphorical rear end, or at the very least, shake your foundation like your aunt at the family reunion just discovered TikTok. Buckle up, folks! We’re diving into the wild world of life-altering experiences—because why wouldn’t you want to sign up for a series of unfortunate events that would make even Lemony Snicket raise an eyebrow?

So, what’s on our fun-filled agenda? Serious illness? Check! Sudden bereavement that hits harder than your morning coffee shortages? Double check! Bless you, 2023, for becoming the reigning champ of “Pop Quiz: Who Wants to Survive Life’s Curveballs?” Spoiler alert: it’s mostly the people still fighting to figure out how to use their air fryers.

Now, let’s set the record straight: it’s totally fine to wallow in your not-okay-ness for a moment—because nothing screams "I’m thriving" like scrolling through memes that earnestly assure you that it’s okay to not be okay! But hold your horses! Who really wants to live in a perpetual state of "meh"? We’ve all got dreams, like mastering the art of making sourdough or finally catching up on that one Netflix show from three years ago. We want that life to be more than just “okay”—we want to experience the kind of joy that makes us dance like no one’s watching…even when everyone is.

Amidst all of this, we stumble upon the unique and utterly delightful concept of “post-traumatic success.” This is the notion that we can somehow salvage our shattered dreams, like taking the remnants of a disastrous soufflé and calling it a “deconstructed dessert.” Sounds legit, right?

Recently, a friend of mine patted my back with a “You’ve really blossomed since that whole tragic event!” Yes, thank you, friend, but let’s clarify that my personal growth is not a miracle of nature; it’s more like someone pranked the plant aisle at Home Depot. The truth is, I needed to push my published masterpiece “What Happened To John?” off my shelf and give it a read. Ah, what a glorious trip down memory lane, where each page screams, “Wow, you survived this nonsense?!” I felt a sense of pride, akin to someone finishing a marathon while holding a pizza—exhausted but triumphantly snacking on life!

But let’s get real: the traumas of life will always cling tighter than your toddler’s grip on their beloved stuffed animal during a thunderstorm. The bad remains bad; in fact, let’s call it what it is: it’s SH*T. However, with a sprinkle of focus, a generous dollop of effort, and the audacity to call it “fertilizer,” we can transform that muck into something beautiful…like a thriving garden of resilience. Who knew the secret to growth was a whole lot of “crap”?

Before my world turned upside down, I was a certified guru at helping others overcome challenges like some kind of motivational magician. Fast forward to now, post-tragedy me has gained wisdom that can only be earned by surviving a soul-crushing plot twist. It’s almost like I graduated with honors from “Life’s Drama School for the Overwhelmed.”

In the spirit of turning lemons into lemonade (or in my case, manure into magic), I’ve decided to embrace my new title: Psychological Alchemist—because “life coach” just doesn’t convey the wizards-and-potions vibe I’m going for. Just don’t expect me to add that to my LinkedIn bio anytime soon; I think I’ll stick with “specializing in achieving post-traumatic success after life-altering upsets.” Classy, right?

So let’s rally together and ensure we don’t just survive the chaotic rollercoaster of life; let’s succeed, thrive, and maybe—just maybe—turn some of that excrement into a spectacular garden party. Cheers to growing amidst life’s splendiferous disasters! 🌻✨

🚨 Disclaimer Alert! 🚨

Before you start drafting conspiracy theories on your fridge with magnets—just know this is satire! For the actual, no-nonsense, non-bong-infused version of this news story, head over to , substack.com (where facts wear suits and don’t tell jokes).


We highly recommend reading both versions—one for the truth, and one for the chaotic energy you didn’t know you needed. 😆🔥